Nicole Elizabeth "Snooki" Polizzi is coming this Saturday, where she is expected to greet excited, adoring crowds of ... of ... No. I can't ... I ... I just can't.

Ugh.

Snooki is going to be at the Staten Island Mall this Saturday. The drunk girl from Jersey Shore is launching a line of cheese doodles or Jell-O shots or snow tires or some damn thing, so she’s doing a big mall tour to make sure everyone is still looking at her.

OK, it’s sunglasses. She’s selling the Snooki sunglasses line – just the right size to hide a black eye when some guy punches you in a bar.

Her complete mall tour to hawk these things will also send her to Freehold, Woodbridge, Menlo Park, Garden State Plaza and Paramus Park. Putting her this close to all these stores may mean she buys more crap than he sells.

So waddle out to the mall Saturday if you like that sort of thing. If you don’t, avoid the place like death. The Staten Island Advance says she’s supposed to show up in the center court at noon.

In a tragic development for Western Civilization, large crowds are expected.